


The Color of Your Touch

by bonsaiboi



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Connor Deserves Happiness, Evan is an anxiety boi, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, First Touch Is Where The Soulmark is, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, It takes at least 9k for the boys to have a proper conversation, Like please give me time im in college and very tired, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Soulmate AU, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, What Was I Thinking?, this is DEH what do you expect?, triggering content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2019-10-31 16:51:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17853470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonsaiboi/pseuds/bonsaiboi
Summary: Evan Hansen hadn't ever expected to meet his soulmate while still in High School and he certainly hadn't expected his soulmate to be the only other complete loser in his school. Really, it was dramatic irony--tragic that he and Connor Murphy were soulmates, especially since Evan was sure that Connor wanted nothing to do with him after an incident that throws Evan full-throttle into Connor's life.Soulmate Au--Everyone has an indigo marking somewhere on their body, it is where their soulmate and them will first touch.Once the first touch happens, the indigo turns into a colorful marking.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading, this is a project I've been working on for fun and it's really angsty so I'm sorry also I know there are for sure mistakes in this but I don't have the extra time to beta much if I'm ever gonna post so please just let it be
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts, lots of anxiety

Evan Hansen’s stomach was churning.

He was sitting alone on the bus on the way to his first day of senior year. Great, right? Only one more year left! That’s what his mom said at least. To Evan, the prospect of facing another year alone was more or less the worst thing that he could possibly face. Not to mention he was pretty sure Jared wouldn’t be any more manageable or kind to Evan.

Shakily, he turned up the music playing in his ears to drown out his chaotic thoughts. Idly, his fingers drifted over the indigo marking that took up the inside of his right hand. Evan, like everyone else, thought about his soulmark with great frequency. In a world where everyone was promised a lifelong partner, who wouldn’t think about them?

The soulmarks were where someone first contact would be with their soulmate. Unlike a lot of others, the inside of Evan’s hand was completely indigo. He had met a lot of people who had a mark that looked distinctly like a handshake, whereas Evan had always known his was different. He liked the think that maybe he’d high-five his soulmate or something along those lines. He never thought of his soulmark as a bad thing, although the more he’d grown up, the more he felt sorry for whoever ended up with him. Not that it stopped him from believing in soulmates. Sure, they didn’t always work out but the idea that there was someone out there in the universe who was made for him—one person who would want him no matter what—that was something that kept Evan going.

 _You should ask people to sign your cast!_ That was his mom’s idea for how his day should go. Sure, in an ideal world where people were kind, someone might sign Evan’s cast, but he was a loser—there was nothing remarkable about him—he hadn’t met his soulmate yet and Evan was the least noticeable person to ever walk through the front doors. Sure, maybe Jared would… but the likelihood of that guy wanting anything to do with Evan was pretty low.

Evan could only hope Jared hadn’t met his soulmate over the summer, because if there was anything that would make him even more insufferable it would be the added fact that he’d met his soulmate before Evan—before a lot of people actually.

Sure, a handful of people met their soulmates while in high school. Evan wasn’t sure whether he considered those people lucky or not. He wanted to be a better version of himself before he met the person he’d supposedly spend the rest of his life with. Not that meeting in high school was any less valid. He was sure it worked out just fine—not that he had any examples to go off of, but everything happened for a reason and Evan was hopeful that he had time before he would meet his soulmate. It couldn’t be anyone in his school, he’d known most of them since elementary school and it surely would have come forward by now if that was the case. Not that he was the most social person… but something like a first touch would be hard to avoid in these circumstances.

His parents had met in high school and it had worked for awhile… but something about how quickly everything moved forward left them with no love left by the time Evan was a toddler. They burned out too quickly, then suddenly his dad was gone and his mom was ostracized for breaking it off with her soulmate. He wasn’t sure what kind of life his dad was living now, he knew that his dad had met someone in Colorado, but past that, Evan hadn’t been in contact with him.

He wasn’t his father, not in the slightest, but Evan still had some hope that maybe his first meeting would come at a comfortable time. He wanted to be able to take the pace of his life changing head on. He wasn’t ready for that at the moment. He wasn’t ready to face the expectations of another person—especially when he was so far from what anyone could ever want. Unless they were specifically looking for an anxious wreck of a person—then he was the perfect match!

The bus finally arrived at school. Evan sighed, picking up his backpack and shuffling off of the bus, head down. He made it to with his locker without incident. It was a few minutes before he ran into Jared—because of course Jared had to harass him the first day of senior year. It was almost tradition at his point.

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider it an honor?”

Evan tensed up with annoyance. “N-no Jared, that’s not what happened… I was obviously… I was climbing a tree and I fell...”

“You fell?” Jared cackled. “What are you? An acorn?”

“Well, I don’t know if you know this, but I worked this as an apprentice park ranger at Ellison park, so I’m kind of a tree expert now, not to brag…” Jared was staring at him with raised brows. “Anyways, I tried to climb this forty-foot oak tree…”

“And you fell?”

“Well, except its actually a funny story because there was a solid ten minutes after I fell, where I just lay there on the ground waiting for someone to come get me. Any second now, I kept saying to myself, any second now, here they come,”

“Did they?” Jared asked.

“No, nobody came. That’s the, that’s what’s funny about it.” Evan finished with a nod.

“Jesus Christ…”

Evan fiddled with locking his locker for a moment before turning back to Jared. “Uh, how was—did you have a good summer?”

“Well,” Jared started. “My bunk dominated in capture the flag, did some traveling with my family, and… well…” Jared was looking at the back of his hand intently. Evan looked down at the other boy’s knuckles that used to be stained indigo, now his soulmark was vivid with colors, blues, purples, reds, and greens all flowing together across Jared’s knuckles. Evan’s stomach clenched and his heart sunk.

“Y-you met them?” Evan gasped. “Who—“

Jared shook his head. “I don’t know…”

Evan frowned. “What?”

“Not here, Evan.” Jared’s tone was cool. “I’ll tell you later,”

“Oh, okay.”

A locker slammed a bit down the hallway from the two boys, startling them into looking over. Connor Murphy was storming down the hallway looking like hell.

“Jeez, who pissed in his cereal this morning,” Jared muttered before turning towards Connor. “Hey Connor!” He called out before the taller boy walked past. Connor paused, shooting the two of them a confused look. Evan immediately looked away, searching for some kind of escape before Jared messed everything up.

“I’m loving the new hair length,” Jared joked with the same swagger from earlier. Evan cringed, he knew that tone, it usually came out when Jared was about to be an insufferable dick. “Very school shooter chic! Really gets the ‘I’m trying to hide my violent soulmark‘ vibe across!”

Connor’s confusion quickly turned into a glare. Evan’s eyes snapped to the indigo handprint that marred the left side of Connor’s face. It did look a bit violent, like someone slapped him—or was going to.

Jared raised his eyebrows, unbothered by the scathing look he was getting. “Calm down, bud, it was a joke.”

“Yeah no, it was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell?” Connor deadpanned. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

“You’re such a freak,” Jared murmured, shaking his head and taking off in the opposite direction. Evan swallowed nervously, watching Jared go. Connor was staring at him, he could feel it.

There was something about Connor that made him seem so much older than Evan. Maybe it was the smell of smoke and the dark hoodies or the light bit of stubble on his chin or the dark circles under his eyes, but Evan felt like they were years apart. Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt. The way Connor’s hair hung over the left side of his face barely covered the indigo handprint on his cheekbone. He also couldn’t help but think that if Connor wasn’t wearing those boots they might almost be the same height—

“What the fuck are you staring at?” Connor snapped. Evan flinched, his eyes snapping back to Connor’s. He looked even more agitated then the moment before.

“N-nothing,” Evan stuttered, stepping away to put distance between them. “I wasn’t, I wasn’t staring!”

Connor shook his head, “ _You’re_ the fucking freak,” He snarled, walking away.

Evan let out a breath. He watched Connor go for thirty seconds before following to his own class, head down.

The rest of the day went buy in a blur. Evan was weighed down by a sense of guilt over what Jared had said to Connor. It wasn’t even his fault that Connor had gotten upset, he hadn’t said anything! Still, Jared was his friend...or family friend or whatever, which made Evan feel at least somewhat responsible. Plus, Connor thought he’d been staring at his soulmark—which he wasn’t, but it would have been completely rude if he had been. Connor was really sensitive about his soulmark, he’d punched someone who made fun of him for it the year before—which made Evan feel that much worse about Jared. Evan would be sensitive about his own soulmark if no one ever had anything nice to say to him about it. Connor had grown up hearing that his mark was _odd_ and somehow it’s placement said something about who he was going to be as a person.

Evan couldn’t even begin to know how awful that must have been, he knew he couldn’t understand the extent of it, which made him want to apologize on behalf of Jared even more.

By the end of his first day of senior year, Evan was checking around every corner for Connor. He felt restless about the whole scenario.

The school day ended without any signs of Connor Murphy. Maybe he’d left. It wouldn’t be beyond Connor to ditch on the first day—he was known for skipping classes like a champ.

It didn’t sit well with Evan to leave everything like this, but he really had no way of finding Connor, especially since it seemed that Connor didn’t want to be found.

He went home restless. Tomorrow he’d say something.

~

“So you don’t know who your soulmate is?” Evan asked. His phone was propped up against a pillow as he and Jared FaceTimed. It wasn’t often they did this, usually they kept it to texting, but it was nice to talk like this—it felt a lot more like having a friend this way.

Jared shook his head. “Nope. I was at the airport with my family and it was super crowded. Our hands must’ve just brushed at some point. I didn’t even notice until we were on the plane.”

“Jeez… that’s really rough…” Evan whispered, staring at his own soulmark.

The other boy let out a groan. “They could be anywhere in the world Evan! I can’t believe I didn’t notice when it happened!” Jared flopped onto his bed. “Aren’t you supposed to feel different or like have this big moment when you have your first touch?”

Evan shrugged. “There’s, well, there’s not really any factual evidence that you feel different—most people just can't miss it when it happens…”

“Well I hope they feel as dumb as I do about this.” Jared said. “What’s the chance I’m ever going to meet them at this point? How could I let this slip by?”

“It’ll happen eventually, maybe this is just because neither of you were ready for it?” Evan tried, he winced at how lame his own comforting words sounded.

“Yeah right, I've been ready for years now,” Jared snorted. He adjusted his glasses, a cruel glint in his eyes. “My only comfort is that at least you haven’t met your soulmate yet Hansen! At least I’m still one step ahead,”

Evan gave a half-hearted laugh. “You’re right… my soulmate is probably glad they haven’t met me yet…”

Jared rolled his eyes. “C’mon Hansen, there’s definitely someone out there just waiting to handle a loser like you.”

“Thanks…”

“They wouldn’t be your soulmate if they didn't want you, the universe knows what’s up,”

Evan pursed his lips. “I should get going… I have a therapy thing to finish,”

“Sure, sure, i'll talk to you later,” Jared said.

“Later,”

They hung up, leaving Evan’s room eerily quiet with the lack of Jared’s chatterings. He slumped back into his bed, mind whirling. He hadn’t talked to Jared about Connor, it wouldn’t have made a difference to Jared if Evan told him that the situation the other boy had created that morning wasn’t okay—Jared likely would have shrugged it off. He never listened to Evan anyway.

Evan sighed. He hadn’t been lying when he said he had to finish something for therapy. His letters. He’d barely been able to write them over the summer, he didnt have the motivation and really, _today is going to be a good day and here’s why_ wasn’t exactly a cure. Sure, he’d heard all about resetting his mindset for the day, but he never believed what he was writing, more like he was writing what everyone wanted him to write.

He pulled out his laptop, he wasn’t feeling anything positive. Some days were shitty and that’s just how it was.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why:_

_Because today Connor Murphy didn’t murder you! Because you feel responsible for your only friend’s actions—no even better, your soulmate, the one person in the universe who should love you for who you are, isn’t going to want to deal with you, because who would?_

_No one. You don’t even want to put up with yourself._

_Sincerely,_

_Me._

Yeah, that was about right. Evan read it over again before saving his document and tossing his laptop to the end of his bed. He definitely couldn’t bring that with him to an appointment, but he did it, so he didn't have to feel guilty about his lack of letters now.

Sometimes Dr. Sherman requested to see his letters and sometimes he didn’t. Really it only started when he started to suspect that Evan wasn’t doing them, but now he had one from today and a few from the past week so he _had_ been doing them.

Still, he felt vaguely guilty and restless. Maybe it was because of his day, maybe it was because of what Jared said, Evan couldn’t pinpoint it.

Something felt wrong.

~

Connor Murphy had already decided that he was done before the day had even started. The events of his day only proved him right about wanting to leave this goddamn place. Why the hell would he stay around when it was so maddeningly clear that no one wanted him.

No one ever would.

Not even his fucking soulmate.

He’d gone home during lunch. He wasn’t about to go through his last day listening to a syllabus he’d never even need to follow. Not after tonight.

Once he was home he’d spent far too much time glaring at the soulmark on his cheek. He hated every bit of that handprint that crawled up his cheek. Even his soulmate was going to hate him enough to hurt him.

Soulmates were supposed to be something of wonder—Zoe had a _normal_ soulmark. _She_ got to wonder about her soulmates first touch.

Connor grew up hearing how _violent_ his looked. How _angry_ he was going to make someone. He was treated like a monster before he could even decide for himself what it meant. He was going to hurt someone, he was going to anger someone, he was going to do everything _wrong_.

The person who was supposed to accept him for what he was would start out hating him enough to hit him. How fan-fucking-tastic was that? He was always going to be the bad guy because apparently _nothing_ he did would ever be right.

Might as well end it now and save everyone the trouble of finding out just how fucking awful he was.

It was easy to wait until it was dark and swipe a bottle of pills from his bathroom. It was easy to lock his bedroom door and escape out of the second story window. He’d done it so often that it was almost second nature to climb down from his room without making a sound.

At this time of night, his absence would go unnoticed until morning. If anyone came to check on him they would assume he was sleeping. He slept a lot recently. Summer had been dark and lonely and really the only way he’d gotten away from it all was to stay in bed with his phone across the room. That way he wouldn’t check it every minute just _waiting_ for a text from the only person in the world who made him feel like he was worth something in the past seventeen years.

It had been especially lonely to realize that text was never coming. That he’d been ditched by the only person of importance to him.

It hurt more than anything to know someone could accept all of him one moment and not care at all in the next.

That’s what made him even more afraid. His soulmate was supposed to want him, but there was so much telling him that they would be just as quick to leave him behind.

Connor made it to the street without anyone noticing.

He began to walk.

 

Something was wrong.

Something was _very_ wrong.

Evan was trying to focus on the nature documentary he had on but he kept finding himself unfocused. He was usually able to distract himself from the tight feeling in his chest, but tonight, nothing was working. It was like he needed to move—he needed to run as fast as he could. He kicked his legs frustratedly, trying to get the anxious energy to go away. It was worse than usual. Sure, his day hadn’t gone very well, but this was more than usual—a lot more.

His entire body was tingling with energy. His soulmark felt like it was covered in static, the tingling was almost painful.

Evan stared at his palm, he didn't understand what was happening at all. He felt like he needed to go somewhere—he needed to go now.

He got off of the couch, finding a hoodie to throw on over his t-shirt. Something was off, maybe it had to do with his soulmate? That made Evan’s stomach lurch even more as he made his way out the front door. He couldn’t drive—and he didn’t want to call Jared—so he started walking.

Evan had never heard of someone knowing something was wrong with their soulmate before they met. He’d never heard of it happening after they’d met either. The only way someone would know something was wrong was when their soulmark faded back to indigo after their soulmate died. Evan hadn’t even met his yet, so how could he know.

It had to be some kind of coincidence, Evan’s soulmate probably didn’t even live in the same town as he did. There was no way this was about his soulmate, it was just about Evan being a complete wreck over nothing.

He was close to the park now. It was really only a few streets away from his house. He thought about turning back, but the restlessness was pushing him to keep walking.

It wasn’t until he saw a figure slumped against a park bench did he understand.

Evan’s heart stuttered for a moment before he started to jog in the direction of the person slumping against the bench. _Please don’t be a serial killer_. He vaguely thought—then again it would have to be one lame serial killer if they were luring people in at a park in the suburbs.

“Are you okay?” Evan called out. He got no response. He was close enough now to see a bottle of sleeping pills laying next to the bench on the ground. His blood turned icy as fear shot through him.

“Oh my god, please don’t be dead,” Evan whispered. He quickly dialed for an ambulance before moving to the boy on the bench.

“ _9-1-1 what’s your emergency.”_

Evan could have recognized the dark hair and vague smell of cigarette smoke anywhere. He took in a sharp, calming breath as he moved close enough to recognize Connor Murphy.

He got out a location as calmly as he could to the operator. He wasn’t sure he was even in his body anymore.

Connor groaned, head slumping to the side. Evan moved quickly, grabbing the side of the other boy’s face to keep him from falling against the bench. He’s cold-oh god—but he’s also breathing and surprisingly sweaty.

His eyes opened a fraction—unfocused and watery. He blinked slowly, eyes starting to fall back shut. Somewhat conscious was better than dead, but it certainly did not help Evan’s heart rate.

The operator was listing out directions on the other side of the phone that Evan was barely registering. He really hated being put in charge of anything so it was a lot of pressure and by far the worst possible job for someone with a goddamn crippling anxiety disorder.

“Hey, hey,” Evan got out, “stay with me,” Connor blinked again. He looked confused, scared even.

“It hurts…” Connor mumbled.

“I know, but it's going to be okay… just keep your eyes open.”

Evan shifted to the bench besides Connor, pulling his hand from his face and readjusting to hold him upright. Connor was shivering violently, curled in on himself. His breathing was shallow. _Keep him talking._

“Okay, everything is fine, you’re going to be fine—“ Evan rambled. It sounded a lot more like he was trying to convince himself.

“I’m scared,” Connor said with sudden clarity. Evan squeezed his arm tightly.

“You’re going to be fine, help is on it’s way—“ Connor suddenly doubled over, vomiting all over the ground. “Oh god, he just puked,” Evan said to the operator, he was assured that it was okay as he struggled to pull Connor back up. He was still breathing, and that was all the mattered. Evan pulled the hair out of Connor’s face, one hand braced on his chest to keep him upright.

“ _We’ve got an ambulance two minutes out,”_

Evan barely heard it as he noticed the soulmark on Connor’s cheek. Even in the dark he could make out the bright array of colors that swirled through the handprint. The mark hadn’t been like that this morning—no it had been just like Evan’s—

He noticed the swirl of color on the hand supporting Connor.

Evan’s palm was no longer indigo.

He recoiled from his dying soulmate, panic flooding his lungs.

_No, no, no—_

Connor doubled over and vomited again with the sudden lack of support. Evan made a strangled sound, he couldn’t think about this now, he couldn’t think—

There were sirens behind the park.

“HELP!” Evan yelled. “OVER HERE! HELP!”

There are people rushing to them. Evan has vomit on his shoes and waspulled away from Connor as the paramedics took over. He vaguely registered the tears streaming down his face as he was pulled aside.

“His name is Connor Murphy, he’s seventeen—“ Evan heard himself telling someone. He couldn’t focus—his palm was alive with color while his soulmate was loaded into the ambulance. There was a flurry of sounds and someone telling him that they were going to drive Evan to the hospital.

“He’s my soulmate,” Evan told someone—he couldn’t tell who’s who anymore—the pounding in his head was so loud?

“We know,” The ambulance is gone and he’s in the back of someone’s car.

He realized that he was probably panicking—he had been for a while now.

Evan squeezed his eyes shut.

Connor Murphy was his soulmate.

Evan blacked out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I am blown away by all of the positive reactions to the first chapter, thank you all so much! I feel that DEH is a harder fandom to write in since it doesn't often get as much attention as some other fandoms so I can't thank you enough for all of the kudos and comments, you guys are really what keeps me writing :')
> 
> This chapter is way more dialogue heavy than some of the others oops
> 
> I have the next two chapters drafted and the rest of the plot-line in a notebook, though I'm a bit of a slow writer since I have approximately 2 braincells left so I really appreciate patience! Normally chapters won't be out this fast I've just had inspiration and time in the last few days :D

The hospital had been a mess. Evan had to be calmed down by two professionals before his mom showed up. He didn’t even know how they’d known to call her, he couldn’t remember telling anyone his name, but it didn’t matter because she was there and he was crying trying to tell her about what had happened.

And that Connor Murphy was his soulmate.

She had gripped his hand a little tighter.

No one said anything about the fact that Evan still had Connor’s vomit on his shoes and how cold and damp he was from the shear amount of sweating that he’d gone through in the past hour.

Then the Murphy’s arrived and everything became far more complicated. Mrs. Murphy was in hysterics, sobbing as she asked for her son. Zoe was pale, she looked more frightened than Evan had ever seen her. It was disheartening to see someone who was usually so full of character looking so small. Mr. Murphy remained stone-faced, his hands clenched into tight fists.

Evan wasn’t prepared for the receptionist to reassure them that the doctor would be out as soon as possible with news and direct Connor’s family to the waiting room.

Zoe’s eyes locked on Evan immediately. He shivered as she stared at him. The Murphy’s must have been told something with the call because Mrs. Murphy cried harder when she saw Evan. He was the only other person in the waiting room with his mom so it didn't surprise him that they already knew.

“You found him?” Zoe asked, breaking the tension as Mr. Murphy escorted his wife outside for some air.

Evan nodded weakly, fingers tangled in the hem of his shirt.

Zoe was sitting down next to him before he could object. His mom rubbed his shoulder comfortingly.

She was staring again, Evan could feel it. He looked over at Zoe’s icy eyes.

“You have something on your shoes,” She grimaced. It might have been funny in any other circumstance.

“Vomit,” Evan confirmed.

“Gross,”

“Yea,” He shrugged.

They fell silent for a moment.

“I’m going to try to find you a blanket,” Heidi said gently, getting up. Evan quietly watched his mom go.

Zoe pulled her legs onto the chair and began fiddling with the cuffs of her jeans—which were covered in stars that looked like they were scribbled on with pen and sharpie.

“You’re really his soulmate?” Zoe asked eventually. Evan flinched, pressing his colorful palm against his jeans.

“Uh, yea, I guess so,”

She nodded absently, “I’m sorry you had to find out like this… it’s not exactly the first meeting that people dream of.”

“It’s fine.” Evan whispered. “I just want him to be okay,”

“He will be,” Her tone was knowing and firm. It might have been reassuring if Evan hadn’t been in the park. He was hoping for the best but he couldn’t get the image of Connor slumped against the bench trembling and cold out of his head. Heidi brought a blanket back for her son and started a conversation with Zoe about school. Evan knew she was trying to distract them from the situation at hand, she was still in her scrubs so she fit right into this scene.

Mr. and Mrs. Murphy made their way back into the waiting room and sat down a few seats away. Mrs. Murphy’s eyes were puffy from tears but she seemed a bit calmer now.

The Murphy’s kept glancing at Evan like they wanted to ask him about what happened but didn’t know where to start.

They didn’t get the chance to figure themselves out before a doctor came out to inform them of Connor’s condition. Evan held his breath, what if he had been too late? What if Connor wasn’t going to make it?

“It’s possible he won’t wake up for a few days because of the stress his body was under, but he should make a full recovery—“

Evan sagged in relief, his mom caught his shaking shoulders gently and pulled him close.

“You did great,” She whispered. “He’s going to be okay.”

He was nodding, resisting tears. God, Connor was alive, he was alive—

“We need to get you home,” Heidi murmured. Evan perked up a bit, ready to object but his mom kept going. “You smell like vomit and you definitely need to get some sleep—“

“Mom, he’s my soulmate I can’t just _leave—“_

“And I’m sure you’re new friend, Zoe, would be happy to call you when Connor is able to see visitors,” She said, giving Zoe a hopeful look. Zoe nodded quickly, her eyes were watery but she looked relieved.

“I can give you my number,” She offered, holding out her hand. Evan gave her his phone and let her shoot off a text to herself. “I’ll let you know when he wakes up?”

“Sure,” Evan managed, his head felt like it was full of cotton balls. He really did need to go home, but he was so scared of Connor waking up and finding out about Evan without him there. He was going to be disappointed, he was going to be upset that his soulmate had to save him from killing himself.

Evan at least wanted a chance to talk to him before everything fell apart—it had to after this, right? This wasn’t—no one met their soulmate like this—it was like every single one of his fears was coming true—meeting too young, someone he’d grown up with and would inevitably be let down by Evan as a soulmate.

He needed to sleep before he got an ulcer from overthinking all of this.

“I’ll call you,” Zoe repeated. Evan nodded again, resisting the urge to wince.

He followed his mom back to the car in silence.

The ride home was quiet, his mom kept reaching over to pat his shoulder at stoplights. He stared mostly at his soulmark, stomach clenching with dread. He should tell Jared before his friend found out—which raised another problem: Connor Murphy wasn’t exactly the dream soulmate, what if people found out? Evan really didn’t want to be ashamed of who his soulmate was but Connor… Connor wasn’t a good person. Evan had never heard anything good about his soulmate—and maybe a lot of it was rumors but those rumors had to come from somewhere, right?

He needed to stop thinking, which he was actually fundamentally incapable of since it was apparently his brains job to over analyze every little thing.

Evan vaguely registered the crackle of pavement as they pulled into the driveway of their squat house.

“I’m proud of you,” His mom said, eyes watery. Evan nodded, unable to meet her eyes.

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed,”

He followed obediently. He changed his clothes, brushed his teeth, and slipped into his room.

Evan was out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

“Stop messing with your IV,” Zoe snapped for about the third time that afternoon. Connor paused, shooting her a tired glare before going back to fiddling with the tubes and wires that were probably keeping him alive or something.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in school?” Connor eventually asked, burying his hands into the mildly scratchy hospital blanket.

“Aren’t you?”

He huffed. “That’s not—that’s not the point, you’re not _stuck_ here,”

Zoe shrugged, looking back down on her phone. “Would you be at school if you were in my shoes right now?”

He didn’t answer her, instead he went back to restlessly messing with anything in reach. Connor really hated hospitals. He’d been here before and he really didn't think he’d ever get used to it. Everyone here was so fake—every smile and kind gesture felt patronizing. He really just wanted to go home.

But going home would mean going back to school eventually and dealing with another problem that had become far too apparent in the past day.

Connor had more or less shut down after he’d woken the previous day. Everything had been too much—for one he was truly planning on never waking up again, but waking up to find out his _soulmate_ had found him and saved him was a lot to take in. His family had been a wreck which didn't help, but it wasn’t like he could blame them it was just… overwhelming. He’d been so close to dying—and he really thought he wanted to die—now everything was too complicated to say for sure whether or not he still wanted to die.

He barely remembered most of what had happened right after he’d woken up. The day had gone by in a flurry of checkups, vague panic that lead to more severe panic, and finally sleep. Connor was glad for the sedatives, he was sure that he wouldn’t have been able to sleep had it not been for being so pumped full of medicine—not with how fast his mind was racing.

“Connor, I swear to god, stop fucking messing with that—“

“Have you called him yet?” Connor asked, his tone was strained, he could feel his chest tightening up.

“What?” Zoe asked, she seemed annoyed. Connor’s fidgeting became even more restless.

“My—Evan?” God, _Evan Hansen_ had found Connor half-dead in the park. That poor guy was the worst possible person to save someone’s life. He was so fucking nervous all the time—Connor couldn’t remember a time that he’d seen Evan _not_ on the verge of freaking out. What was he doing in the park that late anyway?

Evan fucking Hansen was his soulmate—it was almost laughable, almost.

“Do you want me to?” Zoe asked, looking up at her brother. “I didn’t think you wanted to see anyone—“

“I don’t,” Connor agreed. “I was just wondering—“

“Why would I call him if you didn't want to see him—“

“I don’t fucking know! It’s not like you ever listen to what I want!”

“Connor—can we not do this right now?” Zoe asked, she was trying to stay cool, Connor could tell. Usually they’d be on the edge of screaming at each other by now but… this wasn’t the place for that.

“Fine.” He rolled his eyes, looking anywhere but at Zoe. “Can I at least—can I have his number?” Connor cringed—why was he so uncertain about this?

“I already added him as a contact in your phone,” She responded dismissively.

“Oh, cool.”

Connor’s fingers were tangled in the scratchy hospital blanket. He couldn’t get out of here soon enough.

 

Heidi had decided that even if it was the first week of school, Evan deserved a few days off after the kind of night he had on his first day. He’d slept the entire day after Connor was admitted to the hospital, too tired to worry that the other boy would probably hate him when he woke up.

The next day he’d received a text from Zoe saying that Connor had woken up but he wasn’t going to be ready to see anyone for awhile. She promised him that she would call if Connor wanted to talk.

By the end of the week, Evan had resigned himself to the fact that his soulmate did not want to see him. Which was fine, he’d expected that, but it didn’t make it sting any less. Sure, Connor was allowed time considering the circumstance—but it was starting to get to Evan a bit. He’d spent the rest of the week sulking and overthinking between episodes of the discovery channel.

It really was like all of his fears were coming true. His soulmate didn't want him. The one person in the world who was destined to be with him was Connor Murphy—and just like any smart person, Connor was already keeping his distance. Sure, Evan was a major fuckup, but he had _hoped_ someone would see past that—he would give _anything_ for someone to look a little harder and accept him for everything he was.

Now even the person the universe had chosen for him wasn’t willing to do that.

It hurt.

He just—he’d hoped that he’d have a chance—but it felt like Connor wasn’t even giving him that.

Then he’d have to remind himself that Connor was allowed time, that Connor wasn’t in the best place right now, that Connor had tried to take his own life and not everything revolved around Evan. No, that was the problem, nothing revolved around Evan, he could go out without making a sound—he wouldn’t ever go out with a bang—he’d just silently stop existing and no one would notice because no one ever _saw him._

So he slept a lot, ate when he felt like it, and was pretty much ignoring the abundance of texts and calls he got from Jared. He started ignoring his phone in general—he didn't really want to know if Connor wanted to see him or not anymore.

It wasn’t until Saturday that Evan was forced out of his isolation funk. His mom made breakfast before she left for work and briefly mentioned that she’d invited Jared over.

“What?” Evan squawked. “Why?”

“Because I think you need to get out for a bit,” Heidi replied. “You’ve been holed up in the house all week, honey, and I know you needed time but now I think you need to go have some fun!” Evan shook his head.

“I don’t, I’m not ready?”

“Evan,” Heidi sighed. “I know it was scary, but you can’t let what happened control you forever,”

Evan said nothing. He knew he wouldn’t be able to argue with her. Maybe Jared just… wouldn’t show up? Evan had been ignoring him after all—then again, that probably just made Jared all the more curious as to what was going on.

His mom left for work shortly after breakfast. Evan took a quick shower and went to unplug his phone from where he’d left it most of the week.

He had a few missed calls from Jared, one from Zoe, and a lot of texts. It was honestly the most he’d ever had at once.

 **Jared:** dude where are you?

 **Jared:** school is no fun w/o u to harass

 **Jared:** did u break ur other arm or smthn?

 **Jared:** the Murphy’s aren’t here either

 **Jared:** okay srsly what’s going on?

 **Jared:** they gave a big ‘life is worth living’ presentation for the whole school

 **Jared:** r u okay?

 **Jared:** ok asshole i asked ur mom and she said ur fine so answer me!!

 **Jared:** i’m heading over to ur house rn, u better fucking answer the door Hansen

Evan sighed, looking out the window, Jared had only sent the last one a few minutes ago.

Evan sent off a quick thumbs up to Jared before opening his chat with Zoe.

 **Evan:** sorry I missed your call, I haven’t really been checking my phone, sorry.

 **Evan:** is he okay?

He set his phone down, not really expecting an answer right away.

 **Zoe:** he’s coming home today.

 **Evan:** oh, good, I’m glad

 **Zoe:** He still doesn’t want to see anyone.

 **Evan:** that’s okay, i get it.

He waited a few minutes before pocketing his phone again. The conversation was clearly over so he didn't know why he kept hoping for an explanation. Connor didn't want to see him and that was that. It was fine. It didn’t necessarily mean he had something against Evan, right? He was probably overwhelmed and too tired and not in the mood to deal with his anxiety-ridden soulmate.

Evan wouldn’t really want to deal with himself either.

The doorbell rang. Part of Evan was really tempted to just ignore it until Jared went away—that was until Jared started pressing it repeatedly at an annoyingly quick pace.

He ran to the door, opening it as quickly as he could, “What the, what is wrong with you?”

“Hey, Hansen,” Jared smirked. “Thought that might get your attention since apparently _nothing else can,_ ”

“Sorry?” Evan said, “Bad week—“

“Yea, what the _actual fuck_ happened? Your mom wouldn’t tell me any details?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it—“ Evan started before noticing that Jared’s gaze had gone directly to his right palm—Evan’s now very colorful soulmark.

Jared grabbed his hand, “Dude, _holy shit!_ How could you not tell me you met them? You have to tell me _everything_ Hansen!”

Evan pulled away weakly, hiding his soulmark against his cast as he cradled his arm.

“Well, you don’t seem very excited,” Jared raised an eyebrow. “What’s up?”

“Can we—not here? Could we go somewhere else?” Evan asked, not meeting his friend’s eyes. “I've been cooped up all week—“

“Sure, have you eaten?”

“Uh, yea, but—“

“Well, you’re gonna eat more, it’s almost lunch anyway,” Jared said, brushing Evan’s response off. “Pizza sound good? I’ll buy you a malt too?”

“Sure,” Evan smiled shakily. “Sounds great,”

 

“Okay, hold up, _Connor Murphy?”_ Jared asked, taking another horrendously large bite of the pizza sitting between him and Evan. “Connor freaking Murphy is your _soulmate?”_

“Yea,” Evan said, picking at the slice of pizza in front of him, he really wasn’t that hungry.

“And you saved his life?”

“Mhm,”

“ _Dude!”_ Jared gaped. “That’s surprisingly badass of you,”

“Not really,” Evan replied. “It was actually, it was scary as fuck—also I didn’t realize that he was my soulmate until the ambulance showed up…”

“Bro,”

“What?”

“That’s so cool,”

Evan shook his head, his chest was tight. “It really, uh, it’s not really, he tried to—“

“Whoa, slow your roll before you start hyperventilating, Hansen,”

“I’m not—I’m not hyperventilating!”

“You’re having considerable trouble breathing,”

“No, I’m not—“

“Do you need a paper bag—“

“I’m _not_ hyperventilating, Jared!” Evan snapped. Jared raised his eyebrows, unconvinced.

“Whatever you say,”

They ate for a bit in silence. Evan managed to swallow down another piece of pizza before focusing mostly on the malt that Jared had bought him, as promised.

“Have you seen him since?” Jared finally asked. It hit home because Evan immediately looked away.

“He… he hasn’t wanted to see anyone.” Evan whispered. “Which is understandable—I mean, I wouldn’t really want to see anyone either—and like you said I’m a lot to handle, so it’s probably better—“

“Evan, seriously, I’m about to get you a paper bag,” Jared cuts him off. “And you’re not too much to handle—I didn’t mean it like that. He’d be stupid to keep ignoring you after he gets better so maybe it’s just a matter of being patient.”

“O-okay, yea, maybe you’re right,” Evan said.

They lapsed back into silence. Jared seemed satisfied enough with Evan’s answer. They finished the pizza, Jared had pulled out his phone awhile ago to scroll while he waited for Evan to finish his malt.

“Do you wanna go to my house and play some video games?” Jared eventually asked. “Once you’re done, of course,”

“I’m not good at video games—“

“That doesn’t matter, what matters is that it's fun and we can be mean to each other,”

“I don’t like being mean, it makes me feel bad,”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Just say yes, Hansen,”

Evan sniffed. “Fine,” he took another sip of his malt, idly scanning the empty pizza parlor. The door dinged as a small group entered, Evan resisted the urge to look over at them, instead he looked back at Jared.

“Could you finish that any slower?” Jared drawled. Evan took a very slow sip from his straw and raised his eyebrows at his friend. Jared just rolled his eyes.

“I’m savoring it?” Evan defended with a half-assed pout. He looked around again before feeling his heart drop. “Shit!” He ducked further into the booth.

“What?” Jared asked, alarmed.

“Murphy alert!” Evan hissed. Jared started turning to look but Evan kicked him before he could. “Dude, don’t look now!”

“I thought Connor was in the hospital!” Jared whispered back, shooting another glance over his shoulder. “What are they doing _here?”_

“He was… Oh, Zoe said he got out today but…” Evan peeked over Jared, sure enough, Mrs. Murphy, Zoe, and Connor were seated a few booths down. Connor was slumped into the booth, glaring at his mother. Evan ducked back down quickly. “Why are they here, ohmygod, what am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know!” Jared squawked, a bit too loudly. Evan shushed him quickly.

“Think we can wait them out?”

A groan. “I want to go play call of duty—wait, i thought he was avoiding you, why are we hiding? _You’re_ not avoiding him!”

“I don’t know—it just feels weird?” Evan tapped his fingers against the table anxiously. “What if he hates me Jared? What if seeing me now just solidifies that—like what if he’s like ‘maybe Hansen isn’t such a loser’ but then he sees me here on the verge of a freak out and he changes his mind?”

“Jesus Christ, Evan, calm the fuck down!” Jared sounded exasperated. “Let’s just—we can just walk out, odds are they won’t even notice us, right?”

“Are you crazy?” Evan sputtered. “And if they _do_ notice us? What then?”

Jared was getting out of the small booth anyway. Evan felt like dying, he’d spent the last four days wallowing in pity over not being able to see his soulmate and now he had a chance to at least say _something_ \--and he was about to panic. God, he was so pathetic.

“You coming or what?” Jared asked over his shoulder, it honestly didn’t sound like he cared whether or not Evan followed him out.

Evan scrambled out of the booth to follow his friend. He only made it a few steps before he stumbled over his own feet.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Hansen?” Jared groaned, all too loudly. Evan felt blood rush to his face, he couldn’t even control his own feet. Not to mention, the movement and outburst definitely drew the attention of the Murphy’s. Evan glanced up at them, eyes widening as he made eye contact with Connor.

His soulmate looked away as quickly as Evan did.

“S-sorry!” Evan finally got out, trying to catch up with Jared before--

“Evan? Oh sweetie, is that you?”

Before that happened. Oh god. Evan looked at Jared for help, all he got was an indifferent shrug from his friend.

“H-hi, Mrs. Murphy?” Evan hated how strained his voice sounded as he turned to face her. Connor was looking anywhere but at him and Zoe looked like she wanted to be literally anywhere else--which was fine, that made two of them between her and Evan. He felt the surge of panic come back as Cynthia Murphy gave him a sympathetic smile.

“How are you doing, Evan?” She asked. Evan watched as Connor put his head down on the table and let out a very noticeable huff of exasperation--it made Evan feel even worse--the fact that Connor’s hair was pulled back from his face, and consequently, his soulmark, also did not help. He tried not to stare at Connor, but really it was hard to keep his attention on Mrs. Murphy when he could see Connor’s soulmark so _damn clearly._ He hadn’t really seen it that night, not well anyway, it was dark and he had been panicking--but it was vivid, swirling with vibrancy like Evan’s own palm.

“I--I’m okay, thanks--”

Jared nudged his shoulder uncomfortably, “Yo, my mom’s are gonna freak if we’re not back in time?” A lie--but Evan nodded quickly anyway.

“Um, nice seeing you Mrs. Murphy,” Evan got out quickly, shooting one last glance at Connor, who was still staring blankly at the booth across from him. “I’ll see you guys at school, I guess--”

He was darting out the door with Jared before anyone had the chance to say anything else to him.

It felt a little bit too much like running away.

 

“This is why I wanted to fucking go home,” Connor grumbled as soon as Evan Hansen had more or less bolted for the door. Zoe watched Hansen go with a small frown and shot a hard look at Connor once he was gone.

“C’mon, Connor! You used to love it here!” Cynthia smiled. “We could use some family fun!”

“Dad’s not even here,” Connor shot back. “I’m tired mom--”

“You’re dad missed a lot of work this week…”

Connor rolled his eyes, laying his head back down against his arms. He had just gotten out of the hospital for god’s sake, he was exhausted from all of the questions, the appointments, the medications--the last thing he wanted was to be at the tiny ass pizza parlor on the outside of town.

The last thing he wanted for today was to see Evan Hansen.

God, Evan must hate him. Connor had refused to let his soulmate visit him and now he couldn’t even look at him.

Who was he kidding? Evan Hansen probably hadn’t even wanted him from the start. Who would? He was the school freak—everyone knew it, and Evan had been witnessing his explosive personality since practically the beginning of time.

The past few days Connor had been trying to come up with wild possibilities to convince himself that there had been some kind of mistake—there was no way he and Evan had never at least bumped into each other buy now. They’d been in the same school since elementary school—and yea, people were generally rather weird about touching each other because of the whole soulmate situation, but nearly twelve years without so much as bumping shoulders? It was insane.

What was even worse was there was no possible situation that could convince Connor that their meeting had been a mistake. What the hell had Evan Hansen been doing in the park that late anyway? Connor certainly hadn’t met his soulmate before the park, but when he woke up, he had. There wasn’t exactly a lot of room for alternative scenarios, especially since Evan Hansen was really the only one there to witness their soul connection.

The whole scenario was entirely fucked up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they kinda talk... finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey here's another chapter that I just finished typing--I can barely keep my eyes open rn so sorry for any mistakes! If I notice them I go back to fix them but sorry lol
> 
> The boys talk, kinda, Evan has some not so nice thoughts so TW for that  
> Also sorry I don't really respond directly to comments, I READ ALL OF THEM THANK YOU FOR LEAVING COMMENTS I JUST HAVE A HARD TIME RESPONDING BC ANXIETY BUT TYSM GUYS
> 
>  

Weeks passed and Evan still heard nothing from Connor or Zoe. He went to school in a daze, took notes on materials that he didn’t remember, and slept a lot more than warranted. Connor still hadn’t come back to school by the end of the third week--he still hadn’t reached out to Evan either. Jared hadn’t been any help in making Evan feel better about the situation--instead his friend probably was making him even more paranoid, whether he meant to or not.

“I would never do this to my soulmate,” Jared grumbled one night while lounging back on Evan’s couch. He’d watched Evan check his old conversation with Zoe at least eight times in the past five minutes. 

“He’s just not doing well,” Evan tried to say back. He wasn’t fooling either of them. It was becoming increasingly hard to believe that Connor wasn’t flat out avoiding him at this point. It was even harder to keep himself from thinking that it was his fault this was happening. Connor was probably mad at him--or worse, Connor wanted nothing to do with him because he was Evan Hansen, the world’s biggest loser who couldn’t even get his only friend to sign his pathetically blank cast.

Another week passed before Connor showed up at school again.

Somehow, it made everything a hundred times worse than before to have Connor around again.

Evan wasn’t sure where he stood anymore. Was he allowed to try to talk to Connor? Was he supposed to just pretend he hadn’t found his soulmate dying in a park a month ago? People had taken to noticing that Evan’s soulmark was no longer indigo in the past few weeks, which had surprised him because he was a nobody and nobody really knew him--it was weird that people had noticed.

Connor on the other hand, people definitely noticed Connor’s soulmark from the moment he stepped back into the school. 

Whether or not his classmates put one and two together, Evan wasn’t sure. He had decided that keeping his head down was the better response, even with Connor back. If his soulmate had wanted Evan to talk to him, then Evan would know. 

He found out that Connor was in several of his classes, which made matters even worse because now every time Connor looked at Evan he felt like a deer in headlights--it made everything more awkward and tense. 

The worst part was the tight feeling in his chest that made Evan have to very consistently look over at where Connor was sitting to make sure he was actually there. Breathing. Not dead in a park. Not crumpled over on a bench, pale, shaky, and dying. Not Dead. 

Then Connor would look at Evan because he’d been staring and Evan would look away and pretend he hadn’t been looking at Connor and it was all a really big mess. 

On top of it all, none of this helped Evan’s self-worth in the slightest.

_ He doesn’t want you, no one has ever wanted and and ever will.  _

Evan felt his resolve crumbling every time he had to walk past Connor in the hallway and look at that stupidly pretty soulmark on his stupidly attractive face. Stupid Murphy with his sharp features and tired eyes. It made Evan sink even further into his own doubt to know that Connor had every opportunity to say something--or get Zoe to say something for fuck’s sake--and he just… didn’t want Evan.

Because Evan was broken.

Evan was barely anything  _ but _ broken and apparently everyone could see that.

He got his cast off the next week. It was really pretty easy and he was glad that he wouldn’t have to deal with it anymore. The whole time Evan couldn’t stop wanting to feel something. He wanted to feel sad that he had climbed a tree and couldn’t even do this right--he wanted to be mad that no one, not even Jared had signed it. He wanted  _ something _ but all he felt was numb.

No one even asked if he wanted to keep it. The cast was blank anyway. Just a bad memory with nothing to make up for the fact that he had jumped out of a tree and no one had noticed.

He couldn’t stop thinking that he should’ve climbed higher.

He should have done something that would have insured that he died.

_ You can’t even die right. _

God, he was pathetic. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Today was supposed to be a good day, _

_ You got your cast off and ate dinner with mom.  _

_ I guess it’s hard to stop wanting something more. To stop asking for another way out when everything is too much. You got your cast of today but everything inside of me is saying that I should have done it all differently.  _

_ Today wasn’t a good day, it’s not going to be a good week or a good year, because why would it be? _

_ Because there’s Connor. Connor who I barely even know and who wants nothing to do with me. Maybe if I just talked to him? If I had done something different? _

_ It probably wouldn’t have mattered. _

_ I wish everything was different. I wish what I said actually mattered to anyone. I wish I was part of something. Let’s face it, no one would even notice if I just disappeared tomorrow. _

_ No one would notice because all I got from trying to die was a blank cast. Nobody found me. Nobody heard me fall. Why do some people deserve to be found--why did I have to find him?  _

_ I found him and he still doesn't want me. Nobody does. _

_ Mom says good things are coming. I don’t know how much longer I can wait. _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me. _

 

Evan barely slept the night after he got his cast off. There was too much going on in his mind to warrant a decent night’s worth of sleep. He was just so  _ tired  _ of feeling this way. He was tired of being the loser—tired of being overlooked by everyone. His mom didn’t get her happy ending and Evan was starting to think that in ran in the family to have soulmates that wanted nothing to do with them.

He somehow managed to drag himself to school the next day, finally able to go back to the comfort of drowning his features in hoodies without the bulky cast to try to fit under the sleeves. It was getting too cold for the dorky polo shirts anyway. 

Evan kept his head down as he made a pit-stop at his locker. Usually Jared met him for a few minutes in the morning, he was hoping that his only friend skipped out on him today, Evan wasn’t wholly in the mood to talk.

“Hey dickwad!” No such luck. “You got your cast off!” Jared said enthusiastically, and none too quietly as he bounded over to Evan’s locker. 

“Uh y-yea,” Evan tried his best to sound enthusiastic. He was immediately given a look that told him no one was buying it. 

“What’s wrong?” Jared was frowning—like he was actually concerned—that was rich. Even his only friend didn’t care about him. His only friend was just a  _ family _ friend.

“Tired,” Evan muttered, shoving the rest of his things into his backpack. 

“You sure dude? You don’t look so hot—“

“I said I was tired, Jared, can you let it go, please?” Evan slammed his locker, wincing at how loud it was. “Please,” He repeated.

Jared simply nodded, taking a step back. “Yea, sure, see you later,” There was a look in his eyes that Evan couldn’t quite decipher before his friend took off in the opposite direction. 

It was going to be a long day.

His first two classes passed by without much thought, he could barely take notes and forgot the homework which he never did. Mrs. Breyer gave him a sympathetic look and softly told him he could turn it in late, which did nothing to make Evan feel any better about how scattered he felt. 

It wasn’t until third period that Evan really had to focus on getting himself through the day. Because of course he had to share English with Connor Murphy. They had Economics and Pre-calc together as well—honestly the universe was really trying to fuck with Evan’s feelings. He had to spend half of his day in the same vicinity as his soulmate—his soulmate who hadn’t given him a second thought. Every day weighed on Evan even more as the weeks had passed since Connor came back to school. 

Evan walked into English and found his seat quickly. He glanced over briefly at where Connor usually sat, a deep ache growing in his chest. How was it that he was feeling so much heartbreak when he hadn’t even been given the chance to get his heart broken? He just felt void—he knew the missing piece wasn’t going to fall into place and at this point, he might never know what it’s like to feel whole.

Evan put his head down in his arms, he didn’t care who saw him at this point, everything was just too much—

“Hey, you uh, you got your cast off?”

Evan sat up quickly, turning to the source of the question. He stared at Connor Murphy who was fidgeting and scowling at the ground. “Um, yeah, yesterday,”

“That’s—That’s cool,” Connor responded, he wouldn’t meet Evan’s eyes. Evan didn’t mind really, he didn’t know if he could handle Connor looking at him right now. The other boy took his seat quickly, it wasn’t very far from Evan’s, a few desks ahead of his and to the right. For some reason he couldn’t stop looking at Connor, he wanted to ask so many things, he wanted to know  _ why _ he wasn’t good enough—mostly he wanted to ask when Connor had started wearing his hair pulled up like that, into a messy bun at the back of his head. His hair wasn’t obscuring his soulmark anymore, instead Evan could see it excruciatingly well on Connor’s left cheek.

Evan was still staring when Connor turned around in his seat to look back at Evan. “I never got to sign it,”

“What?” Evan startled, his voice was as strained as Connor’s and he didn’t know whether this conversation should be making him jump with joy or shrivel up and die. 

“Your cast,”

“Oh, right, uh, that’s okay…”  _ Nobody did. _

“I should have.”

_ Why didn’t you? Why did you let me look like an idiot with a blank cast? Why didn’t you care enough to try? Why couldn’t you have said something earlier? _

Before Evan had the chance to respond, people started to file into the room. Connor turned back towards the front of the class, opening his notebook to idly draw. He did that a lot, Evan had noticed, drew when he was supposed to be paying attention. It made him wonder if Connor had always liked to draw, was he any good at it? 

It also made him realize just how little he actually knew about Connor.

The bell rang and Evan was out the door before anyone—specifically Connor—even had the chance to think about talking to him. It was stupid, he’d gone weeks hoping Connor would talk to him and now that his soulmate had tried, Evan was running? What was his problem?

He found a spot in the back of the library to eat lunch alone. Evan was on high alert the entire hour, wondering if because Connor had tried to talk to him in English if he would try to talk to him again? Maybe Evan was making a bigger deal out of this than he had to. He should be exuberant that Connor Murphy finally talked to him, or even looked his way, right? So why did everything feel so wrong? Why was Evan’s chest tight and why was he on the edge of panicking? 

This wasn’t what this was supposed to feel like. He should be happy that he even knew who his soulmate was.

Connor didn’t try to talk to him in Econ or in Pre-calc. Evan couldn’t decide if that helped with his downward spiral or made it even worse. The hours dragged on until finally the last bell rang. He stayed late to talk to his teacher about making up the homework he’d missed the day before, already content with the idea of walking home. Evan fumbled with his earbuds as he walked down the emptied out hallways. He was tired--really tired, like someone had tied weights to his eyelids.

Evan was still fumbling with his earbuds when he walked out the front door. He trudged down the front steps of the school, heading in the direction of his house. 

“Yea, no shit, Zoe!” 

Evan paused for a moment, looking over at the student parking lot. The Murphy siblings were arguing outside of their car. Evan winced, they did this in public? He would probably panic if someone started yelling at him in the school parking lot.

“I’m not the one who tried to fucking kill themself--”

“I don’t see what that has to do with driving home!”

“Yes you fucking do, Connor! You’d probably drive us into a goddamn tree!”

Connor threw his hands up in frustration. “Jesus christ, just let me drive!”

“Fuck no!”

Connor looked like he was about to retort before his eyes landed on Evan. His face changed into an expression that Evan couldn’t read at all. 

Before he could think about it, Evan looked away and quickly continued to walk. He shouldn’t have been eavesdropping anyway. He was just piling onto the list of reasons why Connor probably hated him. He couldn’t mind his own business for one, and there was about a million other reasons why Evan was the worst possible candidate to be  _ anyones  _ soulmate.

Evan sighed, turning his music up as he walked. He kept trying to remind himself that he understood why Connor had avoided him for so long. It had to be some kind of dramatic irony that he and Connor were soulmates--or tragedy really--a fucking joke that the universe had put them together especially when there was no reason for either of the boys to really look twice in the others direction.

This really fucking sucked.

 

“This fucking sucks,” Connor huffed from the passenger’s seat. He had gone quiet halfway through their argument and had finally agreed to let Zoe drive the siblings home. 

“Have you talked to him?” Zoe asked, focused on the road as her shitty indie pop music blasted in the car. This is why Connor hated not driving, he wasn’t allowed to change her music and he had no control at all. He just wanted his freedom back for god’s sake.

“Kind of,” He shrugged, picking at his already chipped black nail polish. 

“Kind of?”

“I asked about his cast since he’d gotten it off?”

“And?” 

“That’s it,”

Zoe rolled her eyes. “Wow, very considerate of you,”

“I’m trying, Zoe,”

“Barely,” She mumbled. “He’s your soulmate, Connor, he’s probably really freaked out about what happened.”

“I know.”

“Then talk to him.”

Connor snorted, pulling out his phone to idly check the zero new messages he had. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want to talk,”

Zoe groaned. They had gone through this same conversation almost every day since Connor had gotten out of the hospital. “He does.”

“I don’t even know him,”

“Then maybe you should try to,”

Connor fell silent, opening his contacts and staring at the number Zoe had put into his phone over a month ago now. He’d thought about texting plenty of times but had never actually gone through with it. He knew he probably owed it to Evan to at least… talk about it, but everytime he thought he was ready to try his stomach clenched and he found himself pacing in his room. He had known of Evan Hansen all of his life and the discovery that he was his soulmate was honestly a bit daunting. Evan was… reserved to say the least. He was nervous a lot when he was around other people and Connor had seen him eating alone in the hallway and in the library on more than a handful of occasions. He just seemed so  _ different _ from Connor. Yea, Evan was considered kind of a loser, but he wasn’t violent or loud or angry all the time. He wasn’t any of those things as far as Connor could tell. If Evan wanted to give Connor a chance now, it wouldn’t be long before he somehow ruined it. 

Connor would end up hurting Evan somehow, because he was a fuckup, because he was a monster, because he was  _ nothing like Evan Hansen _ who seemed kind and full of some sort of invisible warmth.

Talking to him would probably mean getting to know him and having  _ expectations _ because they were soulmates. Connor wasn’t ready to have a soulmate. He hadn’t ever wanted his soulmate after what people had assumed about his soulmark. It was all happening so quickly that Connor was sprinting to try to keep up with the rate of change. He just needed everything to stop for a second--at least slow down enough for him to breathe every now and then.

He pushed his phone back into his pocket. Evan Hansen deserved better than this, he really did, but Connor just didn’t have the energy to give anything to his soulmate. He couldn’t even fathom being in a relationship or spending all of his time with someone else--not with all of the regular appointments, school, family fighting, and overall depression he had taking up his time. It was a lot to have another person in someone’s life, and he just, didn’t want to push another person away.

He was terrified that if he let Evan Hansen in, he would leave Connor too.

Soulmates be damned, Connor had lost friends before, he’d lost people he cared the world for and he wasn’t ready to do that again.

It had almost killed him last time.

“Mom keeps asking if we could invite him to dinner soon,” Zoe eventually said.

Connor groaned. “I do  _ not _ want him to have to go through that,”

“She was thinking this Friday…”

“You told her no, right?”

“I told her I would ask--”   
“ _ Why?” _

Zoe smirked. “Because Evan’s kinda my friend? So if you’re going to continue being a complete pussy maybe I’ll have to do something--”

“Are you fucking kidding me, Zoe? No!” Connor sat up straighter in his seat. They were pulling into the driveway. “He’ll never talk to us again if we invite him to dinner--have you seen him?”

“Yeah, I also was there when he was asking if you were doing okay every single day until he realized you weren’t going to stop ignoring him anytime soon,” Zoe huffed, grabbing her backpack from the backseat before getting out of the car. “Just… talk to him Connor, no one’s asking you to be anything to him, but ignoring him is just going to hurt you both.” With that she slammed the car door and headed towards the house. Connor took his time grabbing his bag and getting out of the car.

_ Just talk to him. _

He headed straight for his room to flop onto his bed before pulling his phone out again. Connor swallowed the lump in his throat, before opening a new conversation.

**Connor:** hi

He tossed his phone to the bottom of his bed before curling into his pillows. He was way too nervous about this. What if Evan just ignored it?

His phone buzzed a few minutes later.

**Evan:** uh hi?? Who is this??

Right. Evan had no way of knowing it was Connor. Jeez he was stupid.

**Connor:** shit sorry it’s Connor

**Connor:** zoe gave me your #

**Connor:** hope that’s okay

He didn’t receive a response. Eventually Connor went to plug his phone in before dinner, his lungs were tight, shit, he shouldn’t have texted--after all of this time and he sends a fucking text message like that will suddenly fix the fact that he’s been avoiding Evan Hansen since he woke up in the hospital.

Connor had dinner with his family without incident and headed back to his room to sleep for the night. He considered checking his phone but decided to try to sleep instead of facing the likely disappointment of being ignored.

He slept for a while before waking up again to a silent house. Connor rolled out of bed in search of his phone. It was two in the morning and he had several new messages.

**Evan:** oh hi!

**Evan:** sorry for the slow response therapy and jared were distracting me lol

**Evan:** what’s up?

Connor blinked the grogginess away, reading Evan’s messages a few times. They had been sent at around eight, which was after Connor had decided to go to sleep. 

**Connor:** just woke up lol

**Connor:** you?

He didn’t expect a response this late. He started scrolling through social media boredly, he would likely be awake for a while now. That was the curse of sleeping so much, now he had a really fucking weird sleep schedule to deal with.

His phone buzzed with a message a few minutes later, startling Connor into almost dropping his phone.

**Evan:** funny, I can’t sleep ;-;

Connor smiled a bit.

**Connor:** being on your phone isn’t going to help

**Evan:** shh it’s better than doing nothing

**Connor:** why can’t u sleep?

The response took a few minutes.

**Evan:** idk

It was vague, but it wasn’t like Connor really expected Evan to give him any details about anything. They weren’t really friends--just two people in a less than ideal situation.

**Evan:** why are you awake?

**Connor:** I fell asleep at like 7 dude

**Evan:** oh fair lol

Connor wasn’t exactly sure if he was supposed to respond or not so he went back to reading on his phone. A bit later he realized that Evan might have an instagram or something that Connor could follow. Was he allowed to?

He searched and found that Zoe already followed Evan’s account. It wasn’t on private so Connor took his time looking threw the posts Evan had up. He didn’t post that often but there were a few from over the summer at some park and a lot of pictures of trees. 

There was one selfie that Connor saved, Evan was wearing a green park rangers shirt and smiling.  _ First day as an apprentice park ranger! _ The location was Ellison Parks. He had never been, he’d driven by on a particularly anxious day over the summer. He hadn’t known why he’d driven there but for some reason it felt right.The picture was cute. Connor looked through the rest before following his soulmate, a warm feeling in his chest.

He put his phone down and curled back into his covers a bit later, letting himself ease back into sleep.

Tomorrow was going to be different.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are different and it’s pretty okay for once
> 
>  
> 
> Also this is rEALLY dialogue heavy and not a lot happens and I apologize for that, but hey, it needed to happen

Evan hadn’t remembered falling asleep, but he woke up feeling… tired but okay. Okay as in Connor had finally talked to him the night before--over text but it was a step in the right direction. He rolled over to shut off his alarm and squinted at his bright phone screen. He had an instagram notification--which was just as rare as a text from someone other than his mom. It was Connor. Evan swallowed before requesting to follow Connor back as his account was private. He refreshed after a few minutes with no luck before deciding it was ultimately time to get ready for school if he didn’t want to miss the bus.  

As Evan waited at the bus stop his phone buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out, checking the instagram notification immediately.

_ Con.murphy has accepted your follow request. _

Evan smiled, slipping his phone back into his pocket. It wasn’t much, but it was progress.

 

“Connor, if you’re not ready I’m leaving without you!” Zoe yelled up the stairs. Connor was halfway through putting his hair up.

“Give a guy like twenty seconds, would you?” He screamed back. “I’m almost ready!”

“Jesus, what a fucking queen!” He heard Zoe exclaim followed soon by his mother’s exclamation of “I don’t like that language Zoe!”

He really didn’t know what was taking him so long this morning, normally he rolled out of bed and got into the car within the next two minutes if he didn’t feel like bothering with breakfast. But today was different, he’d known it was going to be. He pulled his hair the rest of the way up into a messy bun, making sure his soulmark was showing. He had even gotten up early to shower and dry his hair, he was really going out of his way to be presentable today.

“Connor!” Zoe sounded exasperated. 

“Jesus, I’m coming!”

He grabbed his bag and headed down the stairs. Zoe was checking her phone and frowning. 

“Ready,” Connor stated, grabbing his boots. 

Zoe nodded, stuffing her phone back into her pocket. 

The drive to school was relatively quiet. Zoe didn’t ask why he’d taken so long this morning, she didn’t really seem to care--in fact she almost seemed relieved to know that Connor had enough self-worth to finally start taking care of himself again. He finally checked his phone in the car, only to find a follow request from Evan. He accepted it immediately, a warm feeling spreading through him again. His lips were quirked into the smallest smile as he and Zoe pulled into the school parking lot.

Despite Zoe’s complaints, they were still early--all of the parking spots were shit if they were any later than this in the mornings. So she turned up her music and pulled out her phone once they were parked. It was how mornings usually went these days, they would get to school twenty-five minutes before the first period and sit on their phones for a bit before separately heading in whenever they felt like it was time.

Zoe grabbed her stuff about ten minutes later. “Your hair looks good like that, by the way,” She said before getting out. Connor looked up in surprise from his phone. Zoe just shrugged before shutting the door and heading towards the school.

Connor waited another minute before following her example. He needed to grab shit from his locker anyway. 

He was barely to his locker before a familiar voice called out to him. “Hey, jackass!”

Connor bristled, trying not to let it show as he glanced over his shoulder to see Jared Kleinman walking towards him. No, this was supposed to be a better day and Jared was  _ not _ about to ruin it for him.

“Hi?” Connor said. 

“Okay, asshole, we need to talk--”

“Listen, I’m not in the mood--”   
“Do you even care about anyone but yourself?” Jared asked harshly. “Because it doesn’t fucking seem like it.”

Connor paused. “Is this about Hansen?”

“No, it’s about your mom--of fucking course it’s about Hansen!”

“What’s about me?”

Both of them froze. Evan was smiling nervously, it was clear he had overheard and was uncomfortable with the situation. Jared sagged a bit, turning to his friend.    
“Nothing--”

“Jared thinks I’m an asshole,” Connor said dully. “Which is probably true.”

“Shut the fuck up, Murphy,” 

“ _ Jared!”  _  Evan hissed. “What the hell?”

“He’s been ignoring you! I’m sick of him treating you like this--”

“I didn’t ask you to step in!” Evan retaliated, his face was pink from anger. “In fact, I-I asked you n-not to!”

Jared rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, because you’ve gotten  _ so  _ far without me,  _ Hansen! _ Maybe if you weren’t sulking at my house like a pathetic loser every night I’d be less inclined to try to change something--”

“It’s n-none of your business Jared, we aren’t even really friends--”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Jared spat.

“You tell me,” Evan responded. “Or was  _ family friends _ just another joke to make me feel pathetic? Or maybe it’s because you don’t  _ have friends--” _

“Fuck you, Evan!” Jared yelled, startling Evan and causing his face to redden further. “Asshole. I was just trying to help.” Jared turned and stormed off before Evan could say anything else. Connor stared at the retreating boy before looking over at Evan.

“Uh--” Connor started. He had no idea what he was supposed to say.

“I’m--I’m sorry,” Evan said shakily. He looked like he was about to cry. “I get it if you--if you don’t want anything to do with me--especially after that. I’m sorry.” He started to walk away, eyes on the ground. They had just started to make progress, Connor couldn’t let him walk away right now--fuck it, maybe he was terrified to have a soulmate--maybe he had already ruined everything, but he wasn’t about to let Evan Hansen walk away right now.

“Hansen, wait up,” Connor called after him. Evan paused, shooting a confused look back at Connor. “Wanna ditch with me?”

Evan frowned. “I--uh, what?” 

“School, wanna skip?” Connor repeated himself, he could feel heat creeping up his neck--maybe this was a stupid idea--he couldn’t even drive the car anywhere because Zoe still had the keys. “We could go somewhere and... talk?”

Evan was still staring at him like he was insane--and maybe he was. “I’ve never skipped school before?”

“Oh, well we’ve gotta change that,” Connor said lightly, today was going to be different--it had to be. He was praying silently that Evan would agree. It maybe wasn’t the progress he was looking for, but Evan bit his bottom lip and nodded after a moment.

“Yeah, sure,”

“Fantastic,” Connor said enthusiastically. “C’mon,”

“W-won’t someone try to stop us?”

“Contrary to what they tell us, they actually don’t really care enough to stop us,” Connor shrugged. Evan still looked doubtful, checking over his shoulder again as they made it through the door and into the student parking lot. 

“Where are we gonna go?” 

“How far are you willing to walk?” Connor asked. Evan shrugged, adjusting his backpack. “We can ditch our bags in Zoe’s car, I left it unlocked.” 

“Oh, you don’t drive yourself?” Evan asked, despite seeing the whole exchange between Zoe and his soulmate the previous day.

“I’m not allowed to drive my car right now,”

“Oh, that sucks, sorry.”

Connor shrugged, opening the passenger side door of Zoe’s car and tossing his bag in. He took Evan’s and set it gently. Evan had pulled his keys, wallet, and phone out of his bag and was tucking them into the front pocket of his hoodie as Connor shut the door.

“I don’t drive,” Evan eventually stated, trying to make conversation. Connor looked over as they walked away from the high school.

“Oh, why?”

“It’s uh--It freaks me out too much,” He laughed awkwardly. “I have my permit, I’ve just never gone through with getting a license.”

Connor nodded, checking his phone for directions. “There’s a park kinda close to here… or we could get breakfast somewhere? I didn’t think this through--”

“That’s okay! We could just… my house isn’t far?” Evan said. “And my mom isn’t home.”

“Oh, yea,” Connor said. “If that’s okay?”

“Definitely,”

They fell into another silence. It wasn’t necessarily awkward… but it wasn’t great either. Connor knew this was out of Evan’s comfort zone and yet he hadn’t really been able to come up with anything else to do. He had just wanted to get Evan away from everything back at school and they both needed to talk. 

Connor had no idea where to even start.

Evan shifted uncomfortably next to him, pushing his hands into the dark green hoodie he wore as he hunched into himself a bit more. It took Connor a moment to realize where they were before he registered the reason why Evan’s posture had changed. 

They were walking by the park. He hadn’t even noticed they were walking in this direction, he’d just blindly been following Evan.

Connor stopped. Staring at the small playground. He knew exactly which bench he had sat down on--there wasn’t any evidence left that anything had happened here--no evidence that he’d tried to--

“I don’t want to stop,” Evan said firmly, staring at the ground. He wouldn’t look at Connor. His stomach dropped, he’d put his soulmate through this.

“You have to walk by here every day?” Connor asked.

Evan just nodded. 

“Fuck…” He looked over at the park. “I’ll catch up, I just need--one second,”

“Connor,” Evan started, unable to stop his soulmate from walking up to the small park.

Connor glance around, his lungs tight. He had been to this park plenty of times before. He smoked here a lot. Now everything about the abandoned park felt eerie. The air felt heavy here, and he knew it was his fault. He walked over the swings and sat down, glancing around. It was still early morning but he felt like it was that dark night all over again. He hadn’t stopped here for any particular reason, he just knew it was familiar and his body probably wouldn’t rot for too long before some poor person found him.

Turns out he hadn’t even had the chance to die before someone found him. 

Evan was still standing on the sidewalk, staring at his feet. He looked up for a moment at Connor before nodding to himself and stepping into the park. Connor watched as Evan’s expression turned dark. He walked until he was next to Connor, sitting down on the adjacent swing. He pushed off lightly, letting himself swing as Connor sat still.

“How did you even find me? What were you doing here so late?” Connor finally asked, breaking the silence between them as Evan continued to let his swing move.

“I don’t know,” Evan responded, his eyes were unfocused. 

“There’s no way it was just chance, right?” 

Evan shrugged. “I’m not sure… I just--you’re not going to believe me, but I knew?”

Connor frowned. “You knew?”

“Not like exactly… I knew something was wrong--I had no idea it was about  _ you _ I just felt like I needed to move and then I walked here and found you. I-I don’t know why I came here I just did.” Evan forced himself to take a breath. Connor’s eyebrows were still furrowed in confusion.

“That doesn’t make sense,”

“I know,” Evan whispered. “I felt like my soulmark was burning? It felt like static--I’m sorry this probably doesn’t matter--”

“Your soulmark felt like static and you knew I was going to kill myself?” Connor repeated. His voice came out harsher than he had intended, causing Evan to flinch. He was trying to comprehend what Evan was telling him. It was so much worse to realize that Connor believed him fully. It sounded familiar--Connor had felt it--

Evan winced. “S-sorry it doesn’t make sense--”

Connor sighed. Evan tensed up, looking over with concern. “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry,” Connor said.

“Why?”

“You had to… find me. I’m sorry,”

“Oh,” Evan whispered. “I’m glad I did.”

They were both quiet. Evan pushed his swing back into a languid motion. 

“How’d you break your arm?” Connor blurted out eventually. Evan gave him a strange look.

“Why?”

“I never asked?”

“Oh, well, I fell out of a tree,” Evan responded. He was looking up at the sky. 

Connor couldn’t help the bark of laughter. “You fell out of a tree? Weren’t you like a park ranger this summer or something?”

“Y-yea,” Evan laughed along self-consciously. “I broke it at work, big shocker, right?”

“You just don’t seem like the type to fall I guess,” Connor shrugged. 

Evan didn’t respond to that, instead he was staring at Connor with a look in his eyes that Connor had no idea how to read. 

“Wanna keep walking?” Connor asked weakly, he wanted that look to go away, it wasn’t something he  _ wanted _ to understand.

“Sure,”

They left the park and quietly continued the trek to Evan’’s house. Connor was already exhausted. He was glad that Evan didn’t hate him, but jesus fuck, it was really fucking depressing to be talking to the kid who saved his life a month after he tried to die. He just… wanted Evan to see him as normal, but now that wasn’t going to ever happen, his soulmate would always know that their first meeting was in a park in the middle of the night because Connor decided to kill himself.

They reached Evan’s house about ten minutes later. It was a lot smaller than Connor’s, but it seemed cozy. Connor waited as Evan fumbled with his keys to unlock the door. There was a small garden with bushes and flowers outside of the house, it was cute and distinctly Evan. Connor smiled at that, of course his house would have gardens.

The door came unlocked a second later and Evan was leading Connor inside. 

The inside was almost exactly how Connor thought it would be, walls painted blue, plants in the windowsills, and old tile in the kitchen. It was small, but Connor immediately felt at home here. He took off his shoes and followed Evan in. The other boy turned on a few lights and looked back at Connor, visibly a bit nervous.

“You have a nice house,” Connor said, not knowing what else to say. Evan nodded. 

“It’s not much… uh want a tour? Or we could just watch TV in the living room or something…”

“Tour would be nice,” Connor said quickly, he was quickly realizing that he would take anything Evan offered if it meant finding out more about his soulmate. 

They walked around the small house until they finally went down the hall to Evan’s room. It was cluttered, but in an organized way. He had books stacked in piles on a few shelves and next to his bed. The closet door was open where all of his clothes were hung by color. Like the rest of the house, his walls were painted blue with yellow highlights around the windows. He had a few plants in the windowsill, a cactus and some succulents. Connor took it in, it was almost overwhelming to be hit with so much at once, everything seemed just like how he thought Evan would be. There was no leftover stench of smoke in Evan’s room and it seemed brighter on average than Connor’s room did. Evan sat down on his bed, watching as Connor looked at the books he had on the shelf by the door.

“Do you read a lot?” Evan eventually asked from his bed. He was playing with a loose thread on his hoodie.

“Yeah, I do,” Connor replied with a shrug. “Honestly reading is one of the only things I do,” He chuckled softly. 

“Oh, that’s cool, I can’t really focus on reading?” Evan said. “I mean--I uh love reading! But I get distracted easily…”

He nodded. “What’s your favorite book?”

“Oh, uh, Harry Potter? That’s lame I know--”

“Nah, Harry Potter is good, I was more of a Percy Jackson kid myself, but I like both.” 

“Who’s your godly parent?” Evan cracked a smile. 

“Probably Hades,”

“Ooh, one of the big three?” 

“Definitely, I’m super special like that,” Connor joked. “What’s your Hogwarts house?”

“Hufflepuff, you?”

“Slytherin,” Connor turned back to the books on Evan’s shelf. 

Evan pulled out his phone while Connor poked around his room. He didn’t have any notifications which wasn’t really a surprise. He pulled up instagram and idly scrolled through his feed. It was mostly the few pictures Connor had on his profile at the moment. Evan didn’t follow many people so there wasn’t anything new to look at. Jared was the one that posted most often, but Evan didn’t really get a lot of his posts since they usually were about video games or memes. Connor had even less on his profile than Evan did. A selfie with somebody Evan didn’t recognize from over a year ago and a few pictures of scenery from times his family had traveled. There were also a few posts with pictures of his art—which was really good in Evan’s opinion—but his profile was pretty much empty besides that.

“Stalking me over here, Hansen?” Connor asked as he sat down next to Evan on his bed. 

Evan fumbled for a moment, about to tell Connor that he was being dumb before Connor was plucking Evan’s phone out of his hands and clicking on one of the art photos on his profile.

“This is the best one,” Connor stated, giving the phone back to Evan. It was a painting of a tree, but with bright, unnatural colors and shapes. Looking at it was both unnerving and really satisfying.

“I… it’s really good?” Evan said. “I like the colors?”

“I was definitely high when I painted that,”

“Yea. It shows,” 

Connor laughed as Evan turned pink.

“S-sorry, that was rude—“

“I didn’t know you were capable of saying something that wasn’t nice,”

“I’m not—I mean I don’t usually—“

“I was impressed,”

“Oh…” Evan picked at his cuticles. “Sorry,”

“You say that a lot,”

“Sorry?”

“Yea, stop that,” Connor said. 

Evan opened his mouth for a moment before frowning. 

“You were wanna say it again don’t you?”

“Very much so,” 

Connor laughed. Evan smiled a bit, giving Connor a look that was far too soft for his heart to handle very well. 

He sat up a bit straighter, rubbing the back of his neck. “So, you wanna watch something?” He asked.

Evan nodded, eyes snapping away from Connor and that soft look fading as fast as it came. “Y-yea sure! Uh, living room?”

“Definitely,”

He followed Evan back to the living room before sitting an appropriate distance away from Evan on the couch. He really wanted to sit closer, but was that moving too fast? They were barely even acquaintances—well they were soulmates but even that felt like a far cry from being true.

Evan seemed comfortable with the distance and that’s all Connor needed in order to keep himself planted a few feet away. 

They bantered over what to watch for a bit before Evan ultimately turned on some cooking show and Connor relaxed into the couch and closed his eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is really anti-climatic and kinda lame I'm sorry so far this fic has been a lot of setup so we can get into more of the actual story now that all of THIS is out of the way
> 
> this is also shorter than other chapters don't @ me i just wanted to get this chapter out so I could stop feeling stuck,,,,

Evan was aware that at some point Connor had fallen asleep, and really, he was partially glad for that. Connor looked exhausted almost all of the time and maybe he slept more than Evan did, but it sure didn’t look like it when it came to bags under his eyes and his general slumped posture.

Plus, then Evan didn’t have to worry about what to talk about and _how_ to talk and all of the things his anxiety was telling him he was really really bad at.

Not to mention he was still very constantly afraid that Connor was going to decide he’d had enough of Evan and just call off whatever this attempt at friendship was. If it even was an attempt. Maybe Connor just realized how pitiful Evan was and decided that he could at least pretend to be friends with Evan for a bit before ultimately ditching him.

It wasn’t like he wanted to expect the worst from Connor, but it was like his brain’s job to overthink everything. Not to mention, in the past month he hadn’t really seen a lot of potential in his nonexistent friendship with his soulmate.

Now Connor was sound asleep a few feet away from Evan in his house and it felt unreal. At some point Evan would have to wake him up. It was past lunch hour at school by the time Evan finally got up to try to find if there was food in the kitchen.

Eventually he settled on making himself a sandwich. He pondered if he should wake Connor up or not. School would be over in an hour and he still needed his backpack from Zoe’s car.

While skipping school for the first time had been relatively relaxing and a lot better than spending eight hours in hell, Evan was starting to feel anxious about everything he missed. Did Connor care about how much work they’d missed? Probably not considering Connor was the absolute champion of not showing up to school. It was a mystery how the other boy hadn’t gotten a court date yet--maybe he had, Evan had no way of actually knowing.

Evan’s phone buzzed softly in his pocket. He pulled it out and flicked open the new message.

 **Zoe:** hey where’s connor?

 **Zoe:** i saw him leave with u earlier and he’s not answering his phone

Evan glanced over at where Connor was asleep before texting her back.

 **Evan:** he’s at my house

 **Evan:** sorry

 **Zoe:** ok can I have ur address so I can pick him up later

He shot off his address to Zoe before quietly moving back into the living room. Connor had slumped onto the couch a bit further, his lips were parted as he softly snored. Evan couldn’t help a small smile as he sat next to his soulmate.

Evan gently shook Connor’s shoulder.

Connor jolted a bit. His soulmate grumbled something incoherent while squinting at Evan as he became conscious. “What time is it?” He asked. Evan pulled out his phone.

“2:30,”

“Shit, sorry,” Connor groaned, pulling away from Evan’s touch. “I’m probably the lamest person in the world to skip school with,”

“N-no it’s fine! It was, uh, it was relaxing--”

Connor rolled his eyes, slumping further into the couch as he checked his phone. He pursed his lips and typed a few messages quickly before opening another app.

“My mom wants you to come over for dinner on Friday,” Connor said offhandedly, scrolling through his instagram feed.

Evan blinked, not quite sure what he was supposed to say. “O-oh, okay--”

“You don’t have to.”

_He doesn’t want you to._

“Right…” Evan mumbled, pulling away from Connor, eyes on the floor. _He doesn’t want you, he doesn’t care about you, you’re always going to be a burden--_

“I mean, unless you want to,” Connor amended. He had set his phone down and was looking at Evan. “I’m gonna warn you, she’ll make gluten-free, vegan lasagna or something and it’s gonna taste like soggy garbage.”

“Oh that sounds--”

“Disgusting?” Connor filled in. Evan couldn’t help but snicker at the absolute distaste that had taken over Connor’s features.

“I mean, at least your mom cooks,” Evan finished. “That’s nice,”

“I’d much rather she didn’t,”

“It’s better than ordering pizza all the time,”

Connor groaned. “I would _kill_ for pizza, Evan, like the shitty, cheap greasy kind,”

“Ew,”

“I’m pizza-deficient, don’t judge me,”

Evan laughed. “D-do you want something to eat? We missed lunch so--”

“Nah, i’m good,” Connor replied a bit too quickly. “I don’t really… eat lunch? Like not during the week I just eat when I get home.”

“Oh, right, that’s cool,”

Their conversation lulled back into silence. Evan watched as Connor shifted uncomfortably and checked his phone again. School was almost over and then Connor would leave with Zoe and who knew if something like this would ever happen again.

“So,” Connor eventually started, uncomfortable with the silence. “Are we… uh, are we good?”

Evan blinked. “What?”

“Like, are we, are we okay?” Connor’s cheeks were pink. “You don’t hate me or anything?”

“Oh.” Evan said dumbly. “No--I mean, yea we’re fine, I think,”

“Okay, uh, so… friends?”

“Friends is good,”

“Awesome,” Connor seemed to relax. “I’m sorry for everything… I guess I didn’t think you’d _want_ to talk? I don’t know, I was being dumb--”

“It’s okay!” Evan said. “I didn’t think you wanted to talk so I didn’t initiate anything, but I could have so it’s not really your fault?”

“I was ignoring you.”

“You needed space,” Evan cringed at his own words.

Connor laughed dismissively. “No, I was just being a dick,”

“Oh…”

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that to you,” He pulled his long leg up onto the couch, sitting up a bit as he picked at his nail polish. “I didn’t want… I’ve never wanted a soulmate,”

Evan tried to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat. He didn’t want to feel hurt by that--he didn’t want Connor to be telling him this.

“Why?” Evan asked, he tried not to sound as desperate as he was feeling.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m literally an asshole to everyone, it would just be… easier I guess,”

Evan nodded, trying to come up with what to say. What was there to say? “I kind of get it I guess,”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m a lot to handle? I always felt bad that I had a soulmate out there somewhere because… it’s just a lot to be around me sometimes,” Evan said slowly. “It’s dumb, but I was ready for you to just… never talk to me again and I just _took it_ because I thought I just deserved it--”

“Whoa, slow down,” Connor’s hand was on Evan’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. “You don’t deserve that,”

Evan met Connor’s eyes, they were warm, concerned. “You don’t either… if it’s any consolation, I-I don’t think you’re an asshole,”

“Thanks Evan,” Connor smirked. “You’re probably the only one,”

Evan tentatively reached out to touch Connor’s soulmark. They were both tense for a moment as Evan gently cupped his soulmates face, heat creeping up his neck. Connor relaxed first, resting his cheek into Evan’s hand and smiling softly. It was too much for Evan’s cheeks not to flush a bit.

It didn’t exactly feel like friends, but it almost didn’t feel like anything more either.

There was a knock on the door before Evan had the chance to say something. Connor was pulling away from his touch quickly. His hand felt cold as soon as Connor pulled away.

Evan scrambled off of the couch to get the door, cheeks still warm.

He opened the door. “Oh, h-hey Zoe,”

Zoe held out his backpack with an unimpressed look on her face. “Here,” She said. Evan took it with a shaky smile.

“T-thanks--”

“Tell Connor to meet me in the car,” She said, turning on her heel to head back to her car. Evan grimaced a bit as he closed the door and turned back to Connor.

He was still sitting on the couch, expression clouded with annoyance.

“I should go,” His tone fell a lot flatter than it had a minute before.  

“Yea…”

Evan watched as Connor pulled his boots on and stretched before reaching for the door. “See you tomorrow?” He asked, half-turning to Evan.

“Yea, see you,”

Connor nodded before making his way out of the house without another word.

Once he was gone Evan slipped back down the hall to his room. Today had been… weird. Weird and good, but it made Evan’s head spin. He wasn’t exactly sure what everything was supposed to mean but… they were friends, and that’s what mattered.

Evan couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face.

Friends. That was better than anything he thought would happen.

It was good.

 

The next morning came with a lack of Jared hanging out by his locker and an addition of Connor Murphy leaning against it while checking his phone as Evan approached. He still felt bad about how he’d treated Jared the day before, but in all honesty, his ‘friend’ had said so many worse things to Evan that he’d never apologized for. So Evan wasn’t exactly bursting to apologize any time soon.

“Hey,” Connor said as Evan stopped at his locker.

“Hi,”

“So, uh, tomorrow, do you still want to come over for dinner? My mom’s wondering,”

Evan smirked. “I’d love to come eat soggy pasta,”

The way Connor’s nose immediately crinkled in disgust was worth it. “Ugh, you’re going to regret it, I promise you,”

“Looking forward to it,”

He rolled his eyes. “No, you’re not. You can just ride home with Zoe and I after school tomorrow then,”

“Okay,”

Connor went back to looking at his phone as Evan loaded a few books into his backpack and rezipped it. He looked at his soulmate with a small smile, this was real, Connor was actually hanging out with him and he was going to go to his house tomorrow. Things were moving rapidly now compared to the last few months, but it was good.

“Where’s your first class?” Connor asked. “I’ll walk with you,”

“Oh, you don’t have to, it’s spanish--”

“I have study hour, it’s on the way,”

Evan just nodded, feeling overwhelmed but happy.

They walked down the hall together idly talking about anything and nothing. Evan was far more relaxed with Connor than he thought he would be. It hadn’t been long, and maybe the day before had been a bit awkward, but it was needed. Now, it felt like Connor had known him for years with how easily he was poking at Evan as they walked.

Maybe the universe knew what was up after all.

Connor knew he was falling. It was a day and a half into having an actual conversation with his soulmate and he was already rushing to see Evan again at every possible opportunity. He’d gone home the night before feeling fuller than he had in years. Even his family noticed the shift in his attitude. He just felt _good_ for once.

There was something about Evan that was so _warm_ and Connor felt like a moth drawn to a flame, he couldn’t stop staring and wanting to be closer with Evan. He felt guilty about how long he’d ignored Evan, but he was well aware that _this_ is why he’d been so keen on never talking to Evan ever again.

It wasn’t bad though, Connor thought the process of falling would hurt a bit more than this. It was hard to imagine not liking Evan. As far as Connor knew, it wasn’t even romantic, he just enjoyed being around Evan and liked being alive with him. Maybe it could be romantic, but for now, Connor was already convinced that if he tried to rush things anymore than he already had, they wouldn’t be able to keep it up for very long.

He wanted to take this slow. Evan had said that being friends was a good thing and Connor very much agreed with that.

It didn’t stop him from walking faster than usual on his way to english, maybe he could squeeze in a quick conversation with Evan before class started--

“Connor!”

Fuck.

He spun on his heel to face the girl who was walking up to him with purpose. “Hi, Alana,” He said dully.

“Hi, I noticed you missed economics yesterday. I told Mr. Bradford I would give you the homework.” She pulled out a packet from the folder she was carrying and handed it to him. “Are you understanding everything? If you ever need any help I could always tutor you--”

“I’m doing fine. Thanks.” Connor took the packet. “I have to go--”

“Oh, did you hear about the mental health awareness seminar the school is putting on? I think it’s just great that we’re finally addressing some of these problems--”

“Yea, no, it’s great.” Connor said through gritted teeth. He really didn’t think Alana was trying to get under his skin, but he didn’t need to hear about some mental health event. He was very well-versed in those.

“One more thing, do you know Evan Hansen? Could you give him his economics homework? I’m going to be at a student council event during class--”

“Yea, sure, I’ll give it to him.” Connor took the second packet of homework and smiled tightly again.

“Thanks so much Connor, I should get going but it was great to catch up,” With that she walked down the hallway, leaving Connor behind. He tried not to feel too annoyed as he made it the rest of the way to class. By the time he made it there were already a lot of people in the room. Evan was staring out the window, a blank expression on his face. Normally Connor would just take his seat and avoid drawing attention, but today he walked to Evan’s desk and gently poked his shoulder.

Evan startled a bit before looking up at him. “Hi,” He said immediately.

“Hey, Alana told me to give you this,” He set the packet down on Evan’s desk. “It’s the Econ homework we missed.”

“Oh, thanks,”

The bell rang, Connor begrudgingly made his way to his desk with one last glance at Evan who was already neatly tucking the packet into his backpack. Connor slumped into his seat, shoving his homework unceremoniously into his bag.

English was slow. It was crazy how an hour could feel so long. Connor kept glancing over his shoulder at Evan.

Evan had a tendency to chew on the top of his pen or tap it against his paper when he wasn’t taking notes. He seemed rather engaged in what their teacher was saying unlike Connor. It wasn’t a surprise that along with being kind hearted Evan was also smart. Not that Connor had ever doubted it, he just never paid any attention to Evant before.

As soon as the bell rang again Connor was out of his seat and moving to sit on Evan’s desk while he packed up.

“Let’s have lunch together,” Connor suggested, picking up Evan’s notebook and looking at the carefully written notes before it was snatched out of his hands and put away.

“O-okay, uh, I usually just go to the library?”

“That’s fine,”

“Cool,”

They didn’t talk about much at lunch, nor did they talk about much afterwards in their other two classes. He vaguely talked about how his parents could be a bit intense and Evan had listened keenly, but there wasn’t much Connor could say to prepare him. The day came to a rather anticlimactic end but Connor still felt good. He was actually somewhat excited to have Evan over the next day which was new to say the least.

Zoe even let him pick the music on the way home.

Things were finally looking up and for once Connor really wanted to believe that he was getting better.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Build up to dinner at the Murphy's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh jeez I am so sorry this took so long life just kinda sucker punched me and the last few months have been super chaotic but now I'm done with school and will try to get chapters out more regularly this summer!! Thank you for having patience and stick with me :D
> 
> alsosorrythisiskindashortimtrying

 

**Evan:** hey I’m sorry for what i said 

**Evan:** I didn’t mean it i was mad 

**Evan:** Jared I can see you reading these

**Jared:** ;P

**Evan:** :’(

**Jared:** fine apology accepted, but you’re still an asshole

**Evan:** fair

**Evan:** i need ur help

**Jared:** oh?

**Jared:** FaceTime?

**Evan:** yes pls

A moment later Evan’s phone was buzzing with the Facetime call. He answered it, biting his lip nervously.

“Sup fucker,” Jared’s immediate greeting rang through. His screen was pixelated and lagging. Evan squinted.

“I think you have poor connection, dude,” He said. Jared swore.

“Goddamn iphones I swear to god,” Jared grumbled, moving until his screen cleared up. “Samsung is far superior, but god knows I’m not gonna abandon Apple after this long,”

Evan rolled his eyes, propping his phone up against a pillow. “Okay, so,”

“You need my help,” Jared was smirking, adjusting his glasses as he leaned back into the camera. “How much are you willing to pay me?”

“I need advice,”

“So ten dollars?”

“Jared, seriously,” Evan’s face was heating up. 

“Okay, fine, what’s up?”

“Okay so, Connor and I like started talking and hanging out which is cool but now his mom wants me over for dinner tomorrow night and I’m freaking out, like what am I supposed to wear? What if his parents hate me and ban me from ever seeing him again even tho he’s my soulmate and--”

“Whoa, slow down,” Jared interrupted. “First off, not to sound rude, but if his parents can deal with having  _ him _ as a son, you are going to be an absolute angel to them. Also just be normal dude, wear one of your dorky polo shirts or something.”

“They’re not dorky--”

“You look like you raided your dad’s closet but the only place he ever shopped was at the Goodwill Outlet store, Evan, it’s not the best,”

“Okay, but I  _ like _ them,”

Jared rolled his eyes. “I’m not trying to make you dislike them, I’m just saying what it is,”

Evan shifted, pulling at the sleeve of his hoodie. “Okay but like, what do I do if his parents like… talk to me?”

“Smile and nod, man, also just give like generic answers to small talk. Oh, and tell them all about trees, I’m sure they’ll love the whole caring about the environment vibe you’ve got going,”

“I  _ do _ care about the environment Jared--”

“ _ Great. _ You’ll be fine!”

Evan shook his head. “But, what if they think climate change isn’t a thing?”

“Then they’re dumbasses,” Jared rolled his eyes. “Save the goddamn turtles man,”

He nodded numbly to himself. “Will you help me pick out an outfit?”

A groan. “You know, for being like half gay, you’re a total wreck, right?”

Evan rolled his eyes. They spent the next half an hour talking about nothing in particular and figuring out what Evan would wear. Jared settled on picking out a green striped t-shirt, jeans, and a sweater in case he was cold. It was cute but not like formal which felt right.

“So, uh, any progress on finding your soulmate yet?” Evan eventually asked, shifting anxiously. He hadn’t really been focusing on Jared recently.

Jared shrugged. “I posted a few things in different online forums but really it was a shot in the dark, I haven’t heard anything,”

“I’m sorry,”

“It’s whatever,” He rolled his eyes. “Just my goddamn luck to have this shit be so fucking difficult.”

Evan could only nod. They both hadn’t exactly had the dream experience with their soulmates.

“Like if they live across the world what am I even supposed to do? Do I really expect someone to leave their life for me? Or do they expect me to do that for them?” Jared was grimacing at his laptop. “I don’t want to sound like a dick, but the universe isn’t doing a great job if it expects me to give up everything for someone else,”

Evan nodded again. He couldn’t really understand where Jared was coming from, he would have done anything for someone who was meant for him. But Jared wasn’t like that, maybe he wanted a soulmate just as bad as anyone else but he also placed a lot of value in himself—which wasn’t really something that Evan related to all that much.

“You’ll figure it out…” Evan started. “Like the two of you will figure it out, I’m sure they’ll understand… like that’s what soulmates are kinda for—to understand you and be like your other half I guess?”

“Is that how you feel about Connor?” It was genuine, Jared didn’t sound snide or like he was talking down about Connor, he sounded curious.

“Oh uh…” Evan fidgeted with the hem of his shirt. “I don’t really know yet? L-like he’s not what I expected him to be… but he’s really kind when you get to know him and I think he’s just as freaked out as I am about all of this, so maybe?”

Jared nodded. “I think he hates me,”

“Connor?”

“No, I think  _ you  _ hate me, dipshit—yes of course Connor!”

Evan winced. “I don’t know, you haven’t exactly been  _ nice  _ to him,”

“And?”

“Are you being serious?”

Jared shrugged. “Everyone’s an asshole in high school,”

“Not everyone goes around telling people they look like school shooters,” Evan frowned. “I don’t think he’d hate you if you were like—yourself around him?”

“I was being myself!”

“Like a less assholish version of yourself—“

Jared rolled his eyes with a scowl. “Never mind, your boyfriend doesn’t like me and that’s fine, he doesn’t have to, it’s whatever.”

Evan was chewing on his bottom lip nervously. “You seem really bothered by this—it doesn’t seem like it’s ‘whatever’ dude,”

“So you admit he’s your boyfriend?”

“W-what no! I just—I didn’t think that was relevant!” He sputtered. “We’re not dating—stop changing the subject asshole!”

Jared only grinned. “Evan and Connor, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S—“

“Jared oh my god—“

“-I-N-G!” He sang. 

“I’m hanging up!”

“Night-night lovebird!”

“Shut up!” Evan ended the call with that, his face burning. He had to take a few moments to center himself again. Jared could really be a dick, but Evan didn’t know where he would be without him in all honesty.

At least he was a bit more ready for the dinner then he’d been before. Connor said that he could just ride home with Zoe and him after school tomorrow and as much as Evan was nervous, it was nice to finally feel like Connor was trying to include him in his life.

He went to bed feeling a bit lighter than he had before.

 

School was a trainwreck. By the end of the day Evan really wanted nothing more than to go home to his own house and sleep through the entire weekend. Connor hadn’t faired much better--throughout the day he was particularly snappy and short. Evan was trying really,  _ really _ hard not to take the short answers and general aloofness Connor had been giving him personally, but he still found his eyes burning several times throughout the day.

He really just wanted to go home, his stomach was in knots and the last thing he wanted was to put up with the Murphy family--Connor included.

In fact, the only one making anything seem okay was Zoe. She seemed annoyed with how Connor was acting just as much as Evan was feeling hurt by it. He didn’t even do anything! It was completely out of the blue, and even though he was pretty sure Connor was just having a bad day and didn’t really know how to handle it, Evan was just making everything worse and maybe he should just go home before he ruined the budding friendship he had with his soulmate completely.

Was it even friendship? Evan wasn’t sure, they’d talked and agreed to be friends kinda--but there was still some weird pressure of being soulmates weighing them down. Evan wasn’t sure that having dinner with his parents was the most ‘just friends’ thing to do either--it felt a lot more involved.

Once school was over Zoe, Connor, and Evan all piled into Zoe’s car. Connor had yet to really say much to Evan, he looked irritated as all hell. Instead of pushing his luck and asking what was up, Evan quickly pulled out his phone as soon as he was buckled in the back and opened his messages with Jared.

**Evan:** i think i might actually die this is going to be so bad

**Evan:** connor’s been rlly out of it like he seems rlly pissed and won’t talk to me,,,

**Jared:** bro chill you’ll be fine, it’s like impossible for parents to dislike you

**Jared:** plus ur already like his mom’s hero for saving him n stuff? 

**Evan:** ...okay

**Jared:** :P

Evan didn’t respond. Instead he set his phone down and looked out the window as they drove. He’d never been to Connor’s house and he really wasn’t sure what to expect. Connor was on his phone, glaring at the screen, Evan didn’t have the guts to ask him what was wrong.

Zoe seemed to sense the tension in the car and turned up her music with a roll of her eyes. Maybe she knew why Connor was acting like this. Evan spent the rest of the car ride trying to figure out if he should ask her when Connor wasn’t paying attention or if he should just suck it up and pretend like everything was fine.

The latter seemed much more appealing.

The house was a lot bigger than Evan’s and honestly made his stomach clench a bit. He already felt incredibly out of place.

Almost as soon as they pulled into the driveway, Connor was out of the car, stomping up to let himself into the house without waiting for either Zoe or Evan.

“I-is he okay?” Evan asked, his voice felt horribly small.

Zoe shrugged. “He had a rough morning,”

“Should I even be here? Like we could do another time--” Zoe was already shaking her head. 

“Just let him be, he’ll cool off, plus my mom has been excited about this all week,”

“Right,” Evan grabbed his backpack as the two of them got out of Zoe’s car. 

“My mom’s gonna talk your ear off, just a heads up,” Zoe said, opening the door. “Mom! We’re home!” She called into the house.

Cynthia came out of the kitchen with the biggest smile on her face. “I thought I heard you kids! Oh, Evan, honey, how are you?”

“I’m good, thank you,” Evan stuttered out, he followed Zoe’s example and took of his shoes by the door, the idea of tracking dirt into the Murphy’s very clean, expensive looking house made him feel physically ill.

“We’ve just been so excited to have you over, honey, Connor hasn’t stopped talking about you recently, I’m so glad to see you two getting along!” Mrs. Murphy was saying. Evan nodded along.

“We’re gonna go upstairs now, mom,” Zoe finally cut in. “C’mon Evan,”

“Okay well I’ll call you all down when dinner is ready! We’re having gluten free lasagna tonight and I made a new brownie recipe for later--”

“Sounds great mom,” Zoe said flatly, gesturing for Evan to follow her as she headed for the stairs. Evan smiled nervously at Mrs. Murphy before following Zoe. 

“Connor’s room is the one on the right,” She said, Evan looked up, it was easy to tell exactly which one she was talking about since it had… no door? Evan gave Zoe a confused look and she just shrugged like it was normal. 

“I’m gonna do homework so if Connor  _ keeps being a dick _ you can come hang out with me,” Zoe said loudly, glaring at Connor’s room before giving Evan a tight smile.

“Right, okay,” Evan said softly. Zoe disappeared into her room, leaving Evan standing awkwardly in the hallway, unsure if he should invite himself into Connor’s room or not.

He peeked in cautiously, Connor was lying on his back, staring at his phone. Evan gently knocked the door frame to get his attention. It took one annoyed look to make Evan want to run the other way but he tried to hold his ground.

“You can come in, Hansen, jesus christ,” Connor eventually grumbled.

“Okay,” Evan took a few steps into his soulmates room. The walls were covered with posters and art. There were a few bookshelves absolutely crammed full with books and art supplies scattered across the floor. He paused, trying to take it all in. 

“You can sit down.” Connor’s voice came out flat again, but Evan nodded, setting his backpack down before sitting down on the corner of Connor’s bed. His soulmate had set his phone down and was staring up at the ceiling.

“You okay?” Evan finally asked, ignoring the buzz of anxiety he felt about asking. Connor let out a sigh and shrugged.

“I feel like shit,”

“Wanna talk about it?”

Another shrug.

“Are we good?” Evan blurted out before he could think.

“What?”

“Like, us, are we okay? I know we like  _ just _ became friends but like if you don’t want that you can tell me! I’m not gonna like cry or get mad at you--actually if I’m too much I’d totally understand? Or if we need to do this another night I could leave? Not that we ever have to do this--maybe you don’t want me around at all--”

“Holy shit will you shut the fuck  _ up?” _ Connor interrupted, sitting up. Evan flinched.

“Sorry--”

“Listen, I’m not in the mood for this, okay? We are  _ fine, _ I’m just not feeling great. Got it?”

Evan nodded, staring at his hands. He could feel his ears burning as Connor gave him a hard look. “Sorry,”

“It’s fine,”

Evan pulled out his phone to scroll through instagram, ignoring how Connor let out an exasperated huff and flopped back down.

It was going to be a long night.


End file.
